Careers, Marriage, Family, Degrees, Boring.

How do you define yourself? When you meet someone at a party, is it, "I am an Engineer or a Journalist?" Or something along the lines of, "Well since Jill and I got married, she's been working and I've been taking care of the house and kids," or, "I'm working on my PhD." I ask because my wife just turned 30 last week and I am not far behind and I'm wondering if this is really the end of the line for my cohort in terms of talking about what really matters in life. Really? At 30 are we all just finished with our hopes and dreams? Have we really wracked up that many heartbreaks and rejections and things not working out in our favor a third of the way into our lives (with any luck) that we're just going to spend the next sixty years yammerin' on about trite details and never getting to the heart of what we're all about as a person? Never surprising ourselves or others.

I try periodically to change this question of, "Who are you? What do you do?" into something more interesting. For instance, you could answer, "Well I poop every morning. Is that what you mean?" It's as banal and meaningless as what most people do for a living, just a way that one fills up a portion of one's day, but no one wants to hear about that. They would rather chat your ear off about money troubles, or their asshole of a boss, or their broken down car, or little Jimmy's lost tooth. In fact at age 30 many people seem almost ashamed of having human emotions at all. It's a sign of weakness to some people I suppose or lack of education maybe. On the contrary I would argue that those trying to act as though they are NOT human sound miserable and angry; inhumane even in their pretending to never be melancholic, or desirous of something that is missing from their life. In fact I would argue that it is this common searching for answers that ties us together; young and old, across genders, and cross-culturally. It is the melancholia that comes from never fully understanding, not the distraction from the questions (which is what most of our lives are), that makes us human. What's so hard about saying something to the effect of, "Well I really feel like I should be teaching, but I have all these student loans now and the insurance business pays better." That's understandable, and more importantly REAL. Most human beings would understand this more so than someone actually trying to own the job of sitting in a cubical for 40+ hours a week and claiming it's their "calling." If you're waiting for a wake up call, let me help. If you consider sitting in a five by five box staring at a computer screen and doing trivial tasks all day "not so bad" you have officially lost touch with what "good" feels like. You're numb. You're inured. You're losing the ability to have genuine human emotions and you're justifying it because you have nicer stuff than someone who might be completely satisfied doing something that pays less and brings them joy when they show up in the morning.

My generation has officially become one giant mundane exercise in one-uppery. "What's your degree in? Where did you go to school? Are you married yet? Have you bought a house? Have you traveled to xyz? What kind of car do you drive?" Who really gives a shit? Boring. Boring. Boring. Let me be forthright in saying, "I don't give a shit." It's not that your hard work doesn't impress me--if it's what you want to be doing--but it is more a question of, if you're happy, I'm happy. And if you're wondering if you are happy, if you've lost touch to the point of having forgotten what happiness feels like, again, allow me to assist...you wouldn't have to talk about it so damn much if you were really happy. It would be obvious. Happy people are generally fairly relaxed and able to talk about a variety of topics that go beyond their own tiny world. They have peace of mind. If you cannot, or if you have built your world up to be more interesting than everyone else's on the planet, consider therapy. You're losing touch with your humanity and trouble in your relationships is soon to follow.

That being said, of course you are allowed to both be happy and go on nice vacations, own a house, have a family, work a satisfying job etc. etc. I'm just saying these things do not have to define you. They are what you personally value for one reason or another; no more, no less. They aren't necessarily what is going to make you as an individual happy, nor do they necessarily add anything to your life story. They do often keep one from spending hours worrying about things that don't really matter. A nice car that runs properly and saves money on gas would alleviate a lot of my stress in driving this 1988 dumper that breaks down every six months. However, when I'm lying on my deathbed I seriously doubt if the crapper car I owned as a grad student sixty years earlier is going to pop into my head. And if it does, someone please pull the plug.

Something else that should be mentioned is that there are a lot of people in today's modern world who have large outside influences working against their attempts to be happy. Despite our great nation claiming to give the rights of life, love, and the pursuit of happiness to everyone many people are not allowed to pursue the things that bring them pleasure due to rigid ideologies, lack of education, cultural norms, and simple mean-spiritedness of the majority. Many have depression, anxiety, and other mental illnesses not conducive to the breakneck competition expected of Americans. Some are gay, lesbian, transgendered, or questioning their sexuality. Some are just plain creative and misunderstood by a society that rewards analytical, logical thought and clean, organized, sensible lifestyles. These individuals spend a lifetime being harassed and abused and rejected while simultaneously harassing and abusing themselves for being "different." If they seem "unhappy" to you, consider how you are treating them. Perhaps they're just responding to your assumption that they are like you, which is a ridiculous approach, because who is, in fact, really just like you? Shouldn't we approach each other under the assumption that we will have nothing in common and be pleasantly surprised if we do? Seems more logical to me, and we love logic in western culture.

So again, I say, if it harms no one else and makes you happy, do it. If it doesn't, stop doing it. If you have to work some BS job to pay the bills while pursuing what you really want to be doing, do it, and shut up about it, but don't try to build up the BS job as being what you really want to be doing. That's just enabling the oppressors out there that get off on having people smarter and more talented than they are working for them. The world changes to fit what individuals choose to do with their lives. If you are trying to live your life in a way that constantly changes to fit the world that is constantly changing to fit the people living in the world, the tail is wagging the dog. Have some balls and dare to be happy. If nothing else, I am sure your life will become more interesting and exciting.